Author: Andi
Hobbies: Rock Collecting, Stop Motion Animation, Origami. Hot Air Ballooning, Food Gardening and Collecting Wine.
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The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out myToybox, consult mylist of tags, or jump tothe worst stuff I’ve triedormy favorites.
Let me teach you things! Such as how tobecome a savvy sex toy shopperandavoid sex toys that will poison you.
Ramblings, usuallyabout sex toys, sometimes aboutmy gaping vagina, sometimes aboutsex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories includeDisingenuous AssholesandTrue Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.
Jack-off Journal #14
After a nap with weird dreams, I got up at 10 p.m. and drank aRockstar. Like you do. I did some work, then jacked off to Belladonna’sButtface. With a name like that, I guess I should’ve expected a moment like this:
Some people wait a liiiifetime for amoooment like thiiiiis…
Meanwhile, I laughed at thePicoBong Kikiand compared thePure WandandFun Wandvagina-to-vagina. Katie Peachesa have one.
Gathered a gaggle of folks (Scarlett, Navigator, Amie Wee, and The Bedroom Blogger) in a chatroom to watchMelissa “The Face†Monethave sex withJames “The Amazing†Deen— inMy Daughter’s Boyfriend, because of course. ‘Twas an irresistible pairing, and one that made us speculate: will he be as into it as ever? Will he respond to her contorted faces? Will we somehow be turned on?
Not only was he into it, he seemedmoreinto it than usual. We were astonished.
Having five silly and somewhat cruel people together results in a lot of unintentional brainstorming. We all came up with our own interpretations of Melissa Monet’s… unique performance.
Navigator summed up the scene in the best possible way: “This is like… a Nutella sandwich on really stale bread. Half of it is delightful and the rest is just… not.†(As an aside, I now realize this is the fourth time I’vewritten aboutMelissa Monet’sfaceon this blog. How, uh, thorough of me.)
We also watched a bit of a porno from 1990 calledStairway to Paradise. Its theme song rivaled (but could not quite beat) “your mouth was made for loving me.†There was a fog machine and tan lines and hair flowers and characters named Rainwater and Snowdrift.
Again, Navigator provided a quote that encapsulated everything: “That shot looks like Dayquil.â€
I drank a hard cider and did not jack off.
A vibe in one hand, a dildo in the other, and porn for the eyes — I think that is the limit of my multitasking abilities. As I skipped aroundTristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Peggingand played with mah toyz, I also attempted to distract one of my cats with a laser pointer so that another cat could eat peacefully in an adjoining room. I concluded that I do not have enough hands for this.
After making a serious effort to prep my masturbation space (spreading theThroeon the bed and hauling in a bunch of toys), I discovered that the right ear of my headphones had died. FUCK YOU,SENNHEISER1 . I had to retrieve my workout headphones, which are the clip-on-the-ear kind. Ugh.
Annoyed, I watchedBush, which apparently should actually be calledPerfectly Manicured Bush. Yeah, who would ever want to see real bush?! I tried out theYooo, which I got from a friend. It sucked.
Sometimes people come to our apartment to record music in my boyfriend’s studio. Often, that music is terrible because my boyfriend can’t say no to taking money from bad singer-songwriters. That’s what happened today, so I sequestered myself in the bedroom and started reading some morally questionable fanfic. It was touted as “kinky,†but turned out to just be blindfolds and wax. Also, a “rubber butt plug†and “KY lube.â€
Through the cringing, I still got turned on and had to sneak out to the living room to obtain a toy. My choice wasMia, mostly for its quietness. I used Mia under the covers until it died (it was a long fic!). Then I had to sneak out again, this time for theLeaf Life. It was a satisfying finisher, and I was somehow able to tune out the tone deaf singing in the next room.
Would it scare you to know that this video turned me on?
Yeah, me too.
I’ve been watchingBobbi Violates San Francisco, and yet I have not really been impressed. Things that ruin the mood: baby talk moaning, stupid hipster glasses, and… am I really supposed to think this predicament looks fun?
IDEK, Katie's Reddit profile .
Sometimesin pornthere is a sudden, unpromptedhuman centipede.
I’m sure this used to happen in porn all the time, but now… well, now there’s a creepy-ass name for it.
I laid out a shit ton ofglass toysto compare with my latest acquisition, theCrystal Delights Star Delight. Many hadn’t seen the light of day in quite some time. Problem, though: I was so turned on that ALL OF THEM FELT GOOD.All of them, even the straight one, seemed to hit my G-spot. I kept almost coming. It was ridiculous. I am ashamed. I need to jack off more. A lot more. I am a jack-off failure.
So, today’s pearl of wisdom: sex toy reviewers must not let themselves gettooturned on, lest they think every toy hits their G-spot.
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For overa decade, I’ve been testing sex toys and writing about them on the internet.
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